Do you need a best friend? Yes. Yourself. A wholesome essay on building confidence.
Start to become your own best friend. That is priority number one, and that will influence EVERY single relationship you have with others. If you’re your OWN best friend, if you’re your own cheerleader and supporter, that will shift your mindset and emanate out of you and people will subconsciously sense it, they’ll sense the kind of embodiment of love that you are because your relationship with yourself is so strong and free of judgment. Being your own best friend will breed and maintains a sense of self-empowerment which leads to confidence. If you’re not your own best friend, that will show.
So what does being your own best friend look like in practice? It doesn’t have to be complicated. Think about some ways you’d treat an actual friend: for example, when you make promises to them, you keep them and build/maintain a level of trust between you both. So, make promises to yourself, and keep them. And if you mess up or fall out of it, forgive yourself for it.
Eventually you will develop a reputation with yourself inside your own mind that you’re reliable, trustworthy, honest and empathetic towards yourself (traits you’d look for in a friend, right?) - a person that is true to their word and wants to help and do good. Help yourself and do good to yourself - this is the essence of building self-confidence. The word confidence stems from Latin, “faith”. Have faith in yourself by creating faith in yourself. The promises can be very basic (I’m going to wake up at this time, I’m going to make sure I’m well-fed and that I get enough sleep, I’m going to work on this skill, I’m going to go for a walk, or really anything that you can achieve). Or the promises can be more challenging. The point is, it’s all about ensuring growth for yourself, big or tiny. If you do things that lead to your own growth, you will have yourself to THANK for it. “Wow, I’m glad I did that.” If you can be grateful for yourself for something, you’re golden. You thank your friends, right? Go ahead and ask yourself, what things would you thank yourself for, right now? You can thank yourself for taking action to seek help and advice by making this post, for instance. Gratitude is powerful. Just watch this speech by Snoop Dogg where he thanks himself in front of a crowd - https://youtu.be/NfF3bThOW0Q . CONFIDENCE.
What other things do friends do? They root for each other, celebrate their successes, and give each other things. Giving doesn’t have to be gifts, but it can be. Give yourself your own time. Give yourself experiences. Give yourself a nice lunch at a nice place. Give yourself a nice full night of sleep so you feel refreshed the next day. Consider giving yourself a gym membership and getting into fitness in some shape or form, your body and mind will thank you for it. Give yourself a nice shower and maybe get a nice haircut. Take care of your health. Make yourself a nice healthy meal, maybe learn a recipe. I’m pointing out these simple, trivial examples to illustrate that confidence can be built in the simplicity of life. All these things, while small, add up over time and inform your self-confidence.
And then practice a habit of self-talk that has the nature of a friend. A friend will lift you up and support you, point out your strengths, but also be real with you and root for you getting better and stronger. “You got this”, “you messed up, but it’s alright, you can do better next time”, “It wasn’t right for you to say that, but at least you’ve learned”, “You’re on the right track, you’ve come a long way”, “I’m young, and I don’t have to have it all figured out yet, this will take time and that’s okay.” And I’m not talking about toxic positivity, it’s about self-compassion. Self-talk that is supportive and warm and understanding and not harsh or too self-critical or self-deprecating is indicative of a solid friendship with yourself.
Also, know that being your own best friend doesn’t mean you want to be alone or avoid social interactions. On the contrary, it means you value yourself and others and seek meaningful connections with them. Being socially isolated can be seriously detrimental on yourself. Being your own best friend can help you overcome this by making you more confident, kind, and generous. When you are your own best friend, you become a person who others enjoy being around and who can make a positive difference in their lives. Being your own best friend is not only good for you, but also for everyone around you.
“my lack of confidence and my awkwardness in social situations comes from a deep sense of that I’m not enough, or that some people are above me somehow - a lack of self worth/esteem.”
Confidence is not about going into a room and thinking about being above/better or below/worse than others. Confidence is about not feeling the need to even compare yourself with others in the first place. You’re you, you’re a unique individual in your own process, on your own journey. This is not about others. Forget “other people” - they have their own journeys. Also, don’t forget that you are the current you, not the you from your past. Don’t dwell on the past. The thing is that in a sense, you are enough. But you also might have to accept that you are not good enough yet at certain things, and that’s totally okay. Maybe you could work on your conversation skills, or listening skills, or something. That’s okay. Change can be a good thing, change can be needed, even though it might be uncomfortable. Reprogram your mind to thinking that it’s okay to want to become better at a skill. Without identifying with the skill - meaning, without attaching your ego to that lack of skill, or lack in general. You as a human are a miracle of the universe already, you are a unique being with an enormous capacity for love and intelligence and all sorts of good things unique to the human experience. You already won by getting here. You already wrote this post because you are good with words, you have a capacity for self-insight, and you know how to be vulnerable. You can relate to others with your emotional intelligence. Give yourself some credit for those things.
Accept non-judgmentally that everyone starts somewhere. And consider the fact that this sense of “not being enough” might be rooted in an illusion (which it is). Like, enough for what? Enough for who? What does it even mean? Question these ideas. Stand on your own two feet and be a little rebellious - like who the hell is telling you you’re not enough? Self-confidence carries with it a certain amount of toughness and a rebellious attitude - not arrogance, but a backbone. Ask questions and critique concepts and ideas you’ve been fed and led to believe, and then make up your own mind. This cultural concept of “being enough” is fed to us through social media and has only made us self-cynical and neurotic and judgmental towards ourselves. You are an aspect of the entire universe. Imagine how everything in the universe aligned for you to get here and experience all this. You don’t need to evaluate your “enough-ness” - that is something someone programmed into you. When you were a kid, you didn’t think anything close to that thought. Someone planted that idea in you somewhere along the way. It’s not a real concept. You are not your thoughts. You will realize that there might be some programming and limiting beliefs in you that you need to unlearn.
“I’m trying to seek actual advice that will change my subconscious mindset I’ve been stuck with”
Advice alone won’t change your subconscious mindset. It can lead the way and maybe help you have some epiphanies or lightbulb moments, but you’re a being in a suit made out of flesh, with a meat computer inside your head. You need to live these things out in the real, physical 3D world. You need to try things and make mistakes and learn from experience. Don’t be afraid to get embarrassed. Don’t be afraid to mess up. Don’t be afraid of people’s opinions. Don’t be afraid of imperfection. Your mind will change when you stretch it in ways that it can grow from. It won’t grow unless you feed it with experience. This is why you need to practice radical self-acceptance of where you are, right now. Like I said, you’re young, you don’t have to have it all figured out (no one has). But the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself and hide. Instead interact with the world and seek out experiences that will expand your mind. Actual experiences, good or bad. Not just reading online, or hours of self-analysis. Our brains are still pre-internet brains. We’re designed to learn from experience, books and the internet are great tools, but only as a supplement to real life.
Also, don’t underestimate the power of getting very good / knowledgeable at one thing you’re passionate about. For example, whenever I feel a little unconfident, at least I can remind myself that I’m good at tech (my main passion) and tap into that energy. Ever seen someone who might be feeling a little down or going through a rough period and their confidence isn’t at its best, but you hear them talk about a subject they’re interested in, or sing a song or play an instrument and instantly you can sense how empowered they are within themselves through it? You can switch those examples out with anything. Or someone who might feel unconfident in some areas of their life, but at least they kick ass at basketball, cooking, baking, yoga, movies, reading, writing, dancing, making videos, making people laugh, literally insert anything? I invite you to find a favorite passion (or two, or three) that will assist you in your journey. Not to get overly attached to that activity as your basis for self-worth, but because of the energy and lessons it can provide for you.
“I think I instead need to fix the root of the problem before improving those specific skills.”
There’s no one root of the problem to “fix”. This is an ongoing process, for the rest of your life. Start to see it as such. By using the word “fix” you’re telling yourself that something is broken in you. Shift that perspective - you are not broken, you are growing. All you can do in life is grow. Start to see life through that lens, while being kind to yourself.
The Conclusion
Being your own best friend means learning to be kind and understanding to yourself, setting boundaries to protect yourself, and taking time for self-care and self-reflection. It means being honest with yourself and recognizing your strengths and weaknesses. It also means being able to forgive and accept yourself for who you are and making choices in your life that are true to your values and goals. Being your own best friend means believing in yourself, valuing yourself, and having trust in your own judgement. It’s a journey of loving yourself and being your own biggest cheerleader.
